Since 2020 is approximately 487 months long, things that were cool last month are super lame now. It’s hard to keep up.

Take Doomscrolling. Doomscrolling is SOOO July. Do you remember July? China started sending us random seeds, Ghislaine Maxwell was finally arrested (we do not wish her the best), and Trump wore a mask in public for the first time, and it wasn't even Halloween. So. Brave.

Also, way back in July, Doomscrolling was a thing. Doomscrolling and its equally evil brother, Doomsurfing (no doubt a West Coast phenomenon), refers to the tendency to continue to surf or scroll through bad news, even though that news is saddening, disheartening, or depressing, without the ability to stop.

As I said, that’s so July.

Now I have been informed that it's August, and it’s time for new habits. So here are some alternatives to Doomscrolling that can help improve your home, your garden, your cooking repertoire, or at least your mood.

Zoomscrolling: This is the habit of participating in a Zoom call and multitasking in a separate browser window or device while simultaneously answering any inquiries directed your way during said digital interaction. This is an advanced skill that requires you to maintain direct eye-to-camera-gaze and enough head nodding to indicate vague interest in the topic being discussed.

I suggest “shopping” for clothes that you most likely will never wear out of your house. Add them to carts at various retailers. Hunt for discounts and free shipping codes. Question: How many Gap T-shirt dresses can you get for under $50? Answer: All of them. Important note: Don't actually check out. Fantasy carts are always better than real products. Plus, they are free. Close all the tabs when your call is over, or risk late-night impulse-purchasing while trolling Facebook to see pictures of the beach houses in Michigan your friends are renting.

Roomscrolling: Look around, look around. How lucky we are to be alive right now, but OH MY GOD I HATE MY HOUSE. Time for some Roomscrolling. Start 17 Pinterest boards with titles such as Home Office, Bathroom Renovation, Kitchen Cabinets, Home School Ideas, and (related) Let’s Make the Garage into a Bar. Now fill them up with Creative Solutions for Home Living. Call your spouse over to admire your work. Watch their expression. Are they worried that the next 26 weekends will be filled with painters' tape and 991 visits to Lowes? Don't worry, none of these projects will ever get started. However, a few panicked field trips to the big-box store or a tile outlet center are excellent ways to test your marriage vows and confirm what you already suspected: You have much better taste (read: expensive) than your beloved. The good news? Pinterest is free. Marriage counseling: Not so much.

Bloomscrolling: Related to Roomscrolling, you too can have a fantastic garden full of perfect blossoms, just like Martha. Follow these simple steps: Sit outside for 8 consecutive hours to determine how much sun your space gets throughout the day. Carefully consult websites called PlantsRFun and CashforCallasLillies and ChineseSeedsForAll (maybe skip that one). Know your Planting Zone and draw up plans for way too many plants that don’t actually grow where you live. Sign up to receive 37 emails a day with sales on plants nobody else wants. Spend $167 plus $29.99 shipping and then get tired of waiting for 4-6 weeks and instead head over to your local plant store (wear your mask) and fill up your car with dirty, muddy crates of dripping plants and mulch that your husband will be mad about having to vacuum out of the trunk.

Tell yourself it will be worth it when your yard is full of treasures as Mother Earth intended! Unload it all, swear at your ineptitude, randomly rehome the plants in some dirt, add water, and voila! You have mud. Hose yourself off, get a cocktail, and go back to the couch, proud of your agricultural accomplishments. Don't forget to stop watering them after the first week so they will dry up and be sad, dead reminders of your inability to love.

Tunescrolling: Hey, moms around my age! Alanis has a new album and the first single (Ablaze) is quite catchy. I haven’t listened to any new music in 15 years but I’m sure there’s good stuff out there. You can find it online if you want. But seriously, ladies, how cute is Alanis?

Noonscrolling: For me, lunch is the perfect time to sit down, relax, and start planning the next meal. During the pandemic, we're all cooking, and Noonscrolling can give you lots of inspiration. Search for recipes for that favorite dish you always wanted to cook but just haven’t attempted yet. Like Chicken Pot Pie! There are so many decisions to make. Make crust or buy it? How big to chop the veggies? Peas: Yes or no? (The correct answer is yes but it can be controversial, you've been warned).

Bookmark recipes, methods, video, and Reddit discussions for easy reference. Ultimately, put a frozen pot pie in your next grocery order, and move on to more significant projects. Like sourdough chocolate chip cookies, because, seriously, you are never going to bake bread with that starter your friend gave you. You need to make these cookies instead.

Anyway, sourdough bread is so June.

This piece also appeared in the August 2020 Issue of Fete Lifestyle Magazine.